If there is anyone from the Ohio Department of Transportation reading this debut entry, the staff here at News-Herald Dot Comedy has a request.
We would like to see a few more road projects started this summer in Lake County because the other day we were able to slalom our way through the Orange Barrel Alps from home base in Mentor to the staff offices in Willoughby – all 7 miles of it – in a remarkable time of just a shade under a month.
Being as we didn’t know what to do with all of our extra time once we got to our destination, the staff figured the only logical thing for you at ODOT to do would be to close Mentor Avenue in both directions, place a nuclear bomb under Lakeshore Boulevard to take care of that main artery and then book a year-round circus to perform on Interstate 90 so travel grinds to a complete stop unless you know how to ride an elephant or can borrow George Jetson’s flying saucer to simply go over it all.
Folks, we know how old and tired it is to complain about road construction, but this isn’t just a couple of pavement facelifts here and there. This is a full-blown, rat-in-the-maze nightmare for drivers in this area.
Getting from Point A to Point B in the same county or even the same city should not require Mapquest, a team of NASA engineers and Vasco Da Gama as your co-pilot. It used to be as simple as get in the car, drive to any number of freeway entrances, get on, go where you are going, get off, conduct business and then repeat in reverse.
Um, not so much anymore.
For example, you can get on the freeway to head west at Route 306 (finally) and two exits later get off Route 2 in Eastlake at Vine Street (finally), but you can’t get back on to go back east at the Vine Street exit by Hardee’s. So, to travel what should be a few miles and a few minutes, your options are to backtrack to Route 91 and read “War and Peace” while waiting to get through the funnel of traffic by Classic Park (on NON-GAME DAYS) to get to another open freeway ramp to head back east. OR you can drive down Vine Street/Mentor Avenue to Route 306 and make a left and pray that heading north doesn’t occur at 5 p.m. when you have a better chance of seeing God washing dishes at Friday’s than you do of getting a quick, clean trip without major delays.
Look, the staff is well aware these are necessary projects to eventually make the roads safer and travel more comfortable for us all, and in no way, shape or form do we have a problem with any of the fine workers in the orange vests or driving the trucks or flagging down traffic for doing their jobs.
However, do we need so many reconstructions at one time? Do we have to make the simple act of getting to and from work in some parts of Lake County more difficult than the physical act of building the actual roads?
The summer of 2010 will probably best remembered in Northeast Ohio as the Summer of LeBron because of the whirlwind circus associated with Cavs star LeBron James and his decision whether to leave Cleveland or stay with the wine and gold.
The staff will forever have these sweltering summer months tattooed in our memories as the Summer of Pac-Man.
Just like the lovable yellow video game character, it seems like every simple turn on our area highways has an obstruction in the way. The orange barrels are the ghosts that Pac-Man would run like heck from while also trying to stay away from bumping into the walls or getting completely pinned in by a “DETOUR” or “ROAD CLOSED” sign.
And to elementary teachers who ask their class for an essay titled, “How I spent my summer vacation,” we expect more than a few that include the following passage.
“When we left the house to get on the freeway and head off for vacation in Florida, I had just finished fourth grade and was very excited to be going to see the ocean for the first time. By the time we got to the freeway, it was winter break of my seventh-grade year, and after listening to my dad gripe for an extended period of time, I was then able to curse at a collegiate level.”
ODOT preaches patience. Of course, that statement was released from their office and not from the backseat of a Yugo with no air conditioning trying to figure out how to circumnavigate the battlefield of one of the counties many UC roads – under construction – before reaching the social security age minimum.
Seriously, it’s not like ODOT is trying to make life miserable for drivers … right? So, let’s help the folks there make this time a little more bearable.
Without sounding repetitive, at least if it was a circus that was in town that reduced these roads to one-lane highways of hell, there’d be something to watch while waiting and praying for a flying saucer with an open seat to pass by.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with George Jetson.