“It’s too hot out there.”
The next time you hear that five-word phrase ring out this summer, please pass along this well thought-out, succinct, lucid, intelligent, two-word retort on behalf of the staff here at News-Herald Dot Comedy:
SHUT UP.
And we mean that in the rudest possible way.
Folks, nothing is more annoying that listening to Northeast Ohioans whine when the sun is beating down on our little nook of the world and the mercury in the thermometer shoots up. Now, sometimes we admit, the heat can be a tad bit uncomfortable. Obviously, nobody likes it when your car is so hot that the backseat is occupied by an agriculture student from Kent State who is trying to hatch baby chicks. A day in the 90s with no wind can also be close to unbearable if you are someone who makes a living doing heavy labor outdoors or if you are morbidly obese tenor Luciano Pavarotti trudging down the driveway in a velvet jogging suit to pick up a UPS package stuffed with Kentucky Fried Chicken double stackers dipped in caramel and a case of Yoohoo.
Nobody enjoys sweating like a BP executive at a Louisiana tourism rally or Rush Limbaugh at a discount pharmacy, but let’s consider the alternative to the few months of excessive heat in this part of the world, shall we?
We’d love to have one of those fazer guns from “Star Trek.” You know, the ones that had the settings for either stun or kill? We’d like to get one modified with a setting simply called “FEBRUARY” so that next time one of these pampered burn babies gripes about a beautiful 90-degree day, we can simply zap them into a 2-foot snowdrift on Chardon Square around Valentine’s Day.
A good friend of the Dot Comedy staff had a great line when discussing the pros and cons of summer swelter. We would have loved to steal it and pass it off as our own, but credit should be given where due.
“At least you don’t have to shovel humidity.”
BINGO! Put that man on the Cadillac board!
Even with beads of salty sweat pouring down our collective brows like LeBron James sitting in a Cleveland church with his mom, Gloria, on his right, Delonte West on his left, and Cavs owner Dan Gilbert handing out the holy communion, you have to admit it is still better than winter.
Now I know the winter lovers out there are lining up to send their e-mails blasting the staff for this edition of News-Herald Dot Comedy, and that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. For those of you out there who enjoy frostbite, black ice, arctic wind chills, hibernating in the house for five months like a grizzly bear with a toothache, and having to call Santa Claus for a ride to work because every bus and cab in a 100-mile radius is snowed in, more power to you.
If shoveling, snow blowing, plowing, influenza and slipping on ice is a winter wonderland in your mind, have fun with all that. Enjoy your vacation on the tundra, folks. We’ll take the sweaty armpit stains on our shirt over that frosty nightmare every day of the week and twice on Christmas - you know, the day when you are trying to chisel your way out of the front door to catch a glimpse of Comet and Blitzen taking a dump on your roof with nothing more than a blow torch and the Jaws of Life borrowed from the local fire department?
For us here at Dot Comedy, we’d rather go swimming, slather on sun screen, drink lots of water, pump up the air conditioner, utilize ceiling fans and deal with the heat.
“It’s too hot out there.”
Chinese philosopher Confucius says “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”
The staff supposes there is some truth to that. Maybe chapped lips and numb fingers and toes are beautiful in their own special way, and maybe we are wrong in our stance that summer heat ain’t so bad!
We prefer this quote, from a man so wise he makes Confucius look like Homer Simpson on a bottle of Nyquil:
“At least you don’t have to shovel humidity.”
Preach on, brother. Preach on.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Confucius.