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The 12 Daze of Xmas
The 12 Daze of Christmas
Holidays got you in a daze, yet?
Yeah, us, too.
The staff at News-Herald DotComedy are just about Christmas-ed out, and it ain’t even the fat man’s spotlight day.
Love Christmas, but there are some things we could do without.
The 2011 edition, just in case any of this sounds familiar, it is a yearly event to complain about the holiday season.
Ready? … No, not us either. Endure and enjoy.
1. Ugly sweaters - We don’t wear these fashion eyesores for St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving or Easter (sometimes) so is there any reason we need to raise Bill Cosby’s 1985 closet and parade around like human without mirrors or clothing sense just because mistletoe is hanging in the office? Wear a plain white T-shirt and move on.
2. Raging shop-a-holics - We appreciate all the prudent shoppers and coupon clippers out there, but when you get in a line at the store longer than Charlie Sheen’s arrest sheet, try to be courteous of the 1,250 people behind you and not argue with the poor clerk making minimum wage over saving 19 cents on an expire coupon for Boggle.
3. Staged exhibitions of goodness - This is mostly a guilty pleasure of pro sports teams. Every guy who dresses in a Santa hat and delivers presents or food because his PR firm tells him to is mostly insulting and transparent. There are some good guys out there, but TV cameras don’t need to monitor every move like it is the opening of the Al Capone vault.
4. Internet ads spoofing Santa - Nobody needs a car dealer or a pawn shop putting together a commercial made with the production value of Wayne and Garth on crack infiltrating every click of a mouse on a Website. We get it - you are into playing the Christmas ad card. But Santa pimping used tires in a suit more plausible for a nursery school pageant isn’t making anyone run to your store. STOP!
5. Restaurant specials that make no sense - If you go into a Mexican restaurant to get your favorite burrito, there is no reason to have a Rudolph the Rednose Salsa on the table. Serve what you serve. Do what you do.
6. A lone candle in the window - Listen, if you don’t want to go Clark Griswold and decorate the house, that’s fine. Just don’t insult our intelligence or holiday spirit by slapping a wreath on the mailbox and calling it decking the halls. Go all in or go to Barbados for the winter.
7. Christmas tree branches on the car - Unless your BMW has an evergreen potted and planted in the trunk, stop it with the random Xmas tree branches roped around the top of your car. We get it, you like Christmas. So does the staff of DotComedy, but we aren’t changing the font on our writing to have a pine needle coming out of every comma.
8. Sports talkers who have an axe to grind - Colin Cowherd gets on ESPN Radio and undresses everyone who thinks maybe, just maybe, Christmas is a solemn celebratory day that doesn’t need 5 NBA games and an NFL contest at night? Hey Colin, go Jingle Bell yourself. Your Xmas traditions may include lots and lots of sports. Some of us like one day away from the professional athletics black hole and the idiots who don’t know much about it but yap consistently about it … whoops, did we say that out loud? No holiday spirit there.
9. Low-fat holiday recipes - You know what rules about this season? Eating like Pavarotti on his last day on death row. Let’s all get fat and worry about it later. Stop handing out tips for shaving 17 calories off the triple scoop ham and cream cheese peppermint milkshake. Don’t care about fat content when we are shoveling mashed potatoes down with a flatbed truck and a forklift. Leave us alone.
10. Batteries included or not - Forget all the instructions and demands and ties on toys that are harder to undo than the combination to the main room at Fort Knox. Christmas shouldn’t be a Mensa final exam. Just let us enjoy the stupidity of spending more than we have to make other people happy.
11. People rooting for a white Christmas - No offense to co-workers, friends and family on this one, but in the most jolly of holiday tones … shut the BLEEP up. You like snow? Enjoy car crashes, shoveling til you have arthritic hips and frostbite? Good. Tell you what, move to Anchorage and leave the rest of us alone. Mother Nature will do her deeds at her own bidding. I don’t need Steve in the next cubicle praying for a crippling blizzard just so he can get into the holiday mood.
12. Top 12 lists just to be clever and play off every Christmas cliché ever created - See the above list.
Merry Christmas.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Clark Griswold.
Btilton@News-Herald.com
Holidays got you in a daze, yet?
Yeah, us, too.
The staff at News-Herald DotComedy are just about Christmas-ed out, and it ain’t even the fat man’s spotlight day.
Love Christmas, but there are some things we could do without.
The 2011 edition, just in case any of this sounds familiar, it is a yearly event to complain about the holiday season.
Ready? … No, not us either. Endure and enjoy.
1. Ugly sweaters - We don’t wear these fashion eyesores for St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving or Easter (sometimes) so is there any reason we need to raise Bill Cosby’s 1985 closet and parade around like human without mirrors or clothing sense just because mistletoe is hanging in the office? Wear a plain white T-shirt and move on.
2. Raging shop-a-holics - We appreciate all the prudent shoppers and coupon clippers out there, but when you get in a line at the store longer than Charlie Sheen’s arrest sheet, try to be courteous of the 1,250 people behind you and not argue with the poor clerk making minimum wage over saving 19 cents on an expire coupon for Boggle.
3. Staged exhibitions of goodness - This is mostly a guilty pleasure of pro sports teams. Every guy who dresses in a Santa hat and delivers presents or food because his PR firm tells him to is mostly insulting and transparent. There are some good guys out there, but TV cameras don’t need to monitor every move like it is the opening of the Al Capone vault.
4. Internet ads spoofing Santa - Nobody needs a car dealer or a pawn shop putting together a commercial made with the production value of Wayne and Garth on crack infiltrating every click of a mouse on a Website. We get it - you are into playing the Christmas ad card. But Santa pimping used tires in a suit more plausible for a nursery school pageant isn’t making anyone run to your store. STOP!
5. Restaurant specials that make no sense - If you go into a Mexican restaurant to get your favorite burrito, there is no reason to have a Rudolph the Rednose Salsa on the table. Serve what you serve. Do what you do.
6. A lone candle in the window - Listen, if you don’t want to go Clark Griswold and decorate the house, that’s fine. Just don’t insult our intelligence or holiday spirit by slapping a wreath on the mailbox and calling it decking the halls. Go all in or go to Barbados for the winter.
7. Christmas tree branches on the car - Unless your BMW has an evergreen potted and planted in the trunk, stop it with the random Xmas tree branches roped around the top of your car. We get it, you like Christmas. So does the staff of DotComedy, but we aren’t changing the font on our writing to have a pine needle coming out of every comma.
8. Sports talkers who have an axe to grind - Colin Cowherd gets on ESPN Radio and undresses everyone who thinks maybe, just maybe, Christmas is a solemn celebratory day that doesn’t need 5 NBA games and an NFL contest at night? Hey Colin, go Jingle Bell yourself. Your Xmas traditions may include lots and lots of sports. Some of us like one day away from the professional athletics black hole and the idiots who don’t know much about it but yap consistently about it … whoops, did we say that out loud? No holiday spirit there.
9. Low-fat holiday recipes - You know what rules about this season? Eating like Pavarotti on his last day on death row. Let’s all get fat and worry about it later. Stop handing out tips for shaving 17 calories off the triple scoop ham and cream cheese peppermint milkshake. Don’t care about fat content when we are shoveling mashed potatoes down with a flatbed truck and a forklift. Leave us alone.
10. Batteries included or not - Forget all the instructions and demands and ties on toys that are harder to undo than the combination to the main room at Fort Knox. Christmas shouldn’t be a Mensa final exam. Just let us enjoy the stupidity of spending more than we have to make other people happy.
11. People rooting for a white Christmas - No offense to co-workers, friends and family on this one, but in the most jolly of holiday tones … shut the BLEEP up. You like snow? Enjoy car crashes, shoveling til you have arthritic hips and frostbite? Good. Tell you what, move to Anchorage and leave the rest of us alone. Mother Nature will do her deeds at her own bidding. I don’t need Steve in the next cubicle praying for a crippling blizzard just so he can get into the holiday mood.
12. Top 12 lists just to be clever and play off every Christmas cliché ever created - See the above list.
Merry Christmas.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Clark Griswold.
Btilton@News-Herald.com
posted by News-Herald Blogs at
2:30 AM
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