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Halloween Do's and Dont's and Other Fun Ways To Go Overboard on the Holidays
The staff at News-Herald DotComedy has some Halloween tips for all you ghouls and goblins out there. Follow some easy rules and guidelines to make sure the weekend is scary goooooooood …. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Don’t you hate cheesy, cliché-laden rubbish that overplays the sights, sounds and phrases of a particular holiday? That’s the kind of thing Walt Disney, local radio stations and comedy bloggers with very limited creativity resort to in times of desperation … not that we would know anything about it.
Actually, the staff is far from desperate, we are just trying to make a point. There are some things associated with Oct. 31 that you need to know and need to do, and in some cases, need to avoid. So, here we go. Five things we need to get off our collective chest as Halloween nears.
1. If you over the age of 5, don’t go to work in your Halloween costume. It might seem like a good idea in the morning to breakout the King Kong suit and banana shaped briefcase, but the guess is the guys on Wall Street won’t take you seriously if your fur keeps getting stuck in the coffee machine, Curious George.
2. If you are under the age of 5, don’t let your parents make a political statement out of your costume. There are plenty of kids that dress up as cowboys, firemen, doctors, astronauts, skeletons, etc. I don’t need a 4-year old dressed like former president George W. Bush walking around with an activity book entitled, “I Ruined the Country … Color by Number”. Save the artsy, politically-charged outfits for college frat parties assuming anyone is sober enough to care what you are wearing anyway.
3. Decorating your house or your yard is fine. For those of you that go all out and turn the garage into a mini-haunted house, we appreciate your passion for the holiday. But let’s not turn a suburban ranch house on Elm Street in Anytown, USA into Freddy Krueger’s playpen. Kids want to walk around the block and get some bulk candy, not be chased down the driveway by Leatherface until a trail of urine is leaking down their Bob the Builder costume. Tone it down, Psycho.
4. If you are handing out candy, hand out candy. If you run out of candy, turn off the lights and go get a drink at the local pub. Don’t start giving away balls of masking tape, pennies stuck together by strawberry jelly that leaked in the drawer, or used dental floss. If you misjudged how much candy you are going to need, accept it and move on. One grape per bag or two dill pickles in a Ziploc bag is also not a good idea.
5. Attention dentists - please, this would be a perfect time to take a 2-day junket to a molar convention in Boise, Idaho. There’s nothing worse than the occasional blast from the dentist industry lecturing us all on how bad candy is for the teeth and that Halloween does nothing but promote cavities and gingivitis. Next up is Weight Watchers protesting Christmas because it is an unfair characterization of fat guys in red suits who like to hang out on rooftops with flying elk. Just give us one day to be ridiculously irresponsible with our sweet tooth.
Above all, have fun, but be safe. Halloween can be scary … especially if your co-worker decides to show up for his Power Point presentation dressed as Hannah Montana. Come on, Big Al, you win, we are very afraid, now take off the glittered boots and blonde wig.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Freddy Krueger.
Btilton@News-Herald.com
Don’t you hate cheesy, cliché-laden rubbish that overplays the sights, sounds and phrases of a particular holiday? That’s the kind of thing Walt Disney, local radio stations and comedy bloggers with very limited creativity resort to in times of desperation … not that we would know anything about it.
Actually, the staff is far from desperate, we are just trying to make a point. There are some things associated with Oct. 31 that you need to know and need to do, and in some cases, need to avoid. So, here we go. Five things we need to get off our collective chest as Halloween nears.
1. If you over the age of 5, don’t go to work in your Halloween costume. It might seem like a good idea in the morning to breakout the King Kong suit and banana shaped briefcase, but the guess is the guys on Wall Street won’t take you seriously if your fur keeps getting stuck in the coffee machine, Curious George.
2. If you are under the age of 5, don’t let your parents make a political statement out of your costume. There are plenty of kids that dress up as cowboys, firemen, doctors, astronauts, skeletons, etc. I don’t need a 4-year old dressed like former president George W. Bush walking around with an activity book entitled, “I Ruined the Country … Color by Number”. Save the artsy, politically-charged outfits for college frat parties assuming anyone is sober enough to care what you are wearing anyway.
3. Decorating your house or your yard is fine. For those of you that go all out and turn the garage into a mini-haunted house, we appreciate your passion for the holiday. But let’s not turn a suburban ranch house on Elm Street in Anytown, USA into Freddy Krueger’s playpen. Kids want to walk around the block and get some bulk candy, not be chased down the driveway by Leatherface until a trail of urine is leaking down their Bob the Builder costume. Tone it down, Psycho.
4. If you are handing out candy, hand out candy. If you run out of candy, turn off the lights and go get a drink at the local pub. Don’t start giving away balls of masking tape, pennies stuck together by strawberry jelly that leaked in the drawer, or used dental floss. If you misjudged how much candy you are going to need, accept it and move on. One grape per bag or two dill pickles in a Ziploc bag is also not a good idea.
5. Attention dentists - please, this would be a perfect time to take a 2-day junket to a molar convention in Boise, Idaho. There’s nothing worse than the occasional blast from the dentist industry lecturing us all on how bad candy is for the teeth and that Halloween does nothing but promote cavities and gingivitis. Next up is Weight Watchers protesting Christmas because it is an unfair characterization of fat guys in red suits who like to hang out on rooftops with flying elk. Just give us one day to be ridiculously irresponsible with our sweet tooth.
Above all, have fun, but be safe. Halloween can be scary … especially if your co-worker decides to show up for his Power Point presentation dressed as Hannah Montana. Come on, Big Al, you win, we are very afraid, now take off the glittered boots and blonde wig.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Freddy Krueger.
Btilton@News-Herald.com
posted by News-Herald Blogs at
10:57 PM
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