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We HEART Valentine's Day and Other Ways To Show Your True Feelings
Valentine's Day.
An opportunity for the greetings card denizen to make lonely people feel that much worse about their plight in life. A banner day for the suicide hotline, Absolut vodka and Victoria's Secret.
What a lovely holiday.
The staff at News-Herald DotComedy has been thinking - and that isn't always a safe situation, mind you - and we have come up with some rules for Valentine's Day.
Rules that not even Cupid himself has an arrow big enough or straight enough to shoot down.
Enjoy.
1. Don't substitute the heart symbol when you mean "LOVE" in print. It's lazy and annoying and cliche and even the worst human being on the planet knows you don't really mean it except it is Feb. 14 on the calendar.
2. If you run out and buy fake flowers from the guy at the end of the freeway ramp who looks like Justin Bieber on a week-long cocaine bender and consider it "romance," don't bother. Women aren't that stupid or desperate.
3. Making your own card or sending an e-card won't get you any closer to love or happiness than sending a pair of used sweat socks through UPS with a COD receipt, Cassanova. Get a clue.
4. Going out to dinner and paying for it with a Valu-Pak coupon is not a deal closer. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY. And no matter how much you try to convince that special someone that a buy-one-get-one-T-Bone at Sheetz is economical and flirty, it is a black eye waiting to happen. Splurge and go to McDonald's and hit up the $1 menu instead. If you are lucky, the first bite out of your McChicken sandwich will make the bun look like a heart. Re-wrap, and start searching the singles sites on the Web.
5. Don't assume you can erase the past 11 months because you have a box of candy from Rite Aid and a fake smile. Feb. 14 isn't like going to confession. It doesn't solve all your intimacy problems like some pink White Out with guilt-free glitter.
Those are just a few suggestions. We haven't even mentioned making "love" mixed CDs or getting a tattoo of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt emblazoned on your chest, and when you cough, Angelina adopts another child.
It's a tough holiday to master. Don't even bother trying. Unless you have a semi filled with those candy hearts and you have a team of monkeys working around the clock typing cutesy messages that hit home every time.
Even then, who has time to buy that many heart-shaped bananas?
Happy Valentine's Day, stud.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Cupid.
BTilton@News-Herald.com
An opportunity for the greetings card denizen to make lonely people feel that much worse about their plight in life. A banner day for the suicide hotline, Absolut vodka and Victoria's Secret.
What a lovely holiday.
The staff at News-Herald DotComedy has been thinking - and that isn't always a safe situation, mind you - and we have come up with some rules for Valentine's Day.
Rules that not even Cupid himself has an arrow big enough or straight enough to shoot down.
Enjoy.
1. Don't substitute the heart symbol when you mean "LOVE" in print. It's lazy and annoying and cliche and even the worst human being on the planet knows you don't really mean it except it is Feb. 14 on the calendar.
2. If you run out and buy fake flowers from the guy at the end of the freeway ramp who looks like Justin Bieber on a week-long cocaine bender and consider it "romance," don't bother. Women aren't that stupid or desperate.
3. Making your own card or sending an e-card won't get you any closer to love or happiness than sending a pair of used sweat socks through UPS with a COD receipt, Cassanova. Get a clue.
4. Going out to dinner and paying for it with a Valu-Pak coupon is not a deal closer. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY. And no matter how much you try to convince that special someone that a buy-one-get-one-T-Bone at Sheetz is economical and flirty, it is a black eye waiting to happen. Splurge and go to McDonald's and hit up the $1 menu instead. If you are lucky, the first bite out of your McChicken sandwich will make the bun look like a heart. Re-wrap, and start searching the singles sites on the Web.
5. Don't assume you can erase the past 11 months because you have a box of candy from Rite Aid and a fake smile. Feb. 14 isn't like going to confession. It doesn't solve all your intimacy problems like some pink White Out with guilt-free glitter.
Those are just a few suggestions. We haven't even mentioned making "love" mixed CDs or getting a tattoo of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt emblazoned on your chest, and when you cough, Angelina adopts another child.
It's a tough holiday to master. Don't even bother trying. Unless you have a semi filled with those candy hearts and you have a team of monkeys working around the clock typing cutesy messages that hit home every time.
Even then, who has time to buy that many heart-shaped bananas?
Happy Valentine's Day, stud.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Cupid.
BTilton@News-Herald.com
posted by News-Herald Blogs at
1:07 AM
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