Fall.

Autumn.

No more summer.

Winter is close.

Anything else in the Depression Closet that we can let out to completely bury all the good will and happy memories of summer? It's like Jack Frost got drunk and headed into October with a big bag of burnt leaves and sunblock telling you the party is OVER!

We all say we like fall in Northeast Ohio because of the seasons changing and some of the leaves turning color and an occasional pleasant day or evening, but let's be honest folks ... this stinks.

It gets dark early. There is no more swimming or sunbathing or picnics or distinct fun of any kind. Autumn is more like a pre-cursor to wind and snow and hibernation than it is a slow division between summer and an icy chamber of solitude.

Welcome to Northeast Ohio, sign the guest book while you are fighting the Winter Reality Monster for a few nice days before Thanksgiving. Tom Turkey isn't that intersting after 40 days of shorts and bikini tops, is he ladies?

There are certain smells and certain mile markers that are completely indicative of fall, and for a split second, they are Ok. However, the 4th of July isn't that far behind us and it stinks all over again. Deep freeze is coming, and we will see you all in May when it finally thaws out this town.

The staff at DotComedy isn't sure what your feeling is, because maybe autumn is a cool time of year for you. For us it is nothing more than a sign of frigid times to come.

We miss summer. Remember when you complained about 90 degrees and humidity? SHUT UP! AGAIN!

So when the wind picks up and you spend an entire weekend raking leaves and putting away deck furniture, don't tell us that sweating like Pavarotti on a treadmill is so bad.

Fall. Autumn. The end of summer.

Like seasons changing? In the words of Tom Turkey ... stuff it!

Got a problem with that?

Take it up with The Winter Reality Monster.

BTilton@News-Herald.com

Midget
Insects
Doing
Great
Evil

MIDGE!

It sounds like a nickname for an old woman playing Bridge in Manhattan, but it is in fact the greatest nuisance in nature since Glen Beck's last outdoor rally.

The midge. That tiny little insect with the big-league factor to drive you to drink. And if they don't leave the staff offices at News-Herald Dot Comedy soon, we will own at least 25 percent stock in Anheuser-Busch at our current rate consumption/medicinal relaxation technique.

Who would have thought something so small could be such a big pain in the butt? The crazy swarms of insects born of the waters of Lake Erie have invaded our area and are here to make life miserable for all of us. In that sense, look at it as if IRS employees, DMV workers, shady mechanics, punk teenagers, Rush Limbaugh, tortoises with bad exhausts driving in the fast lane and power drinkers at pro sports events all died and were reborn into one swarm of the most annoying entity on the planet .... that's midges!

And it shouldn't be much of a stretch on the annoyance spectrum for those aformentioned entities, either, and you know it ... well, unless you are an IRS employee, DMV worker, Shady mechanic, punk teenager, Rush Limbaugh, a tortoise with driving issues or power drinkers at the Tribe game, then in that case, you would probably be a little upset by the analogy.

Oh, well. Get your own blog.

Anyway, there's nothing better than a beautiful September evening to walk outside the house, take a deep breath of the night air and end up with a mouth full of flying venom like some bad comic book sketch has come to life in the backyard. You walk out of the garage an innocent comedy writer and end up a stand-in for a Stan Lee character being swarmed by winged death!

Yeah, it's that bad.

Even Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher think the midges are annoying.

And folks, here's a tip from the staff at DotComedy - waving at them isn't going to work unless you like looking like a human putt-putt windmill and getting absolutely nowhere. Also, smashing them against the door isn't a great idea unless you are redecorating Stephen King's new condo.

The bottom line is midges are a pain and you just have to wait for them to go away ... kind of like that old aunt who moves into your house and plays Bridge every night.

Aunt Midge, is that you or the latest swarm?

Got a problem with that? Take it up with Midget Insects Doing Great Evil.

BTilton@News-Herald.com

A quick-hitter edition of News-Herald DotComedy.

The top 10 reasons getting one of 300 free trips to Australia from Oprah Winfrey is not as sweet a deal as it seems on the surface.

Winfrey, who opened her 19th season of her syndicated TV talk show six years ago by giving out cars to everyone in her studio audience, has promised to take the group in attendance for the premier of her 25th and final season to Australia in December on an 8-day, 7-night trip.

The staff at DotComedy would not be as excited as some of the shrieking zombies in the audience were to hear they are about to be headed down under with Queen of TV.

10. Qantas is probably covering most of the bill as a clever marketing tool, so don't kiss Oprah's feet or erect statues of her at the local church.

9. Think about how long it will take to get through the airline security if Oprah is wearing her normal Mr. T allotment of jewelery?

8. So, even if Winfrey is forking out a pretty penny in Australia for hotels or hammocks, it was probably money she was going to spend on a few more low-cal chefs, so blame yourself if she blows up again like Aretha Franklin with gas.

8. Koala Bears don't do well around Gucci and Liz Taylor perfume, so don't stand to close to O at the zoo.

6. What's next? A 4-day trip to Simon Cowell's human humiliation ranch in London with former "American Idol" cohort Ellen DeGeneres?

5. Accepting the offer to go to Australia means you were invited to the special premier, you are a loyal viewer and thus a public admission that you have nothing better to do at 4 p.m. than watch a weepy gabfest to get all your book, exercise and psychic information.

4. A 20-hour flight is a long time to watch reruns of "The Color Purple" with freeze frame close-ups of Winfrey no matter how good Whoopi Goldberg was in that film.

3. Seating will be in coach class only as first class will be occupied by Oprah and her ego - very little room for the pilots.

2. There's a chance you could lost in the Outback with Crocodile Dundee and Dr. Phil.

1. Two words: Oprah's bikini

Got a problem with that? Take it up with Aretha, Ellen, Whoopi and Dr. Phil.

- BTilton@News-Herald.com

Alright, on second thought, maybe the traffic in Northeast Ohio isn't so bad.

How'd you like to be in China? Right now, the road to Beijing makes a two-car fender bender in Willowick look like the freeway scene after the bus from "Speed" just demolished four lanes.

Where's Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock when you need them?

According to reports, a 60-mile traffic jam near the Beijing could last until mid-September.

Traffic has been snarled along the outskirts of Beijing and is stretching toward the border of Inner Mongolia ever since roadwork on the Beijing-Tibet Highway started Aug. 13. The following week, parts of a major road circling Beijing were closed, further tightening overburdened roadways. As the jam on the highway, also known as National Highway 110, passed the 10-day mark, local authorities dispatched hundreds of police to keep order and to reroute cars and trucks carrying essential items such as food and flammables.

Villagers along Highway 110 took advantage of the jam, selling drivers packets of instant noodles from roadside stands and, when traffic was at a standstill, moving between trucks and cars to hawk their wares. Truck drivers, when they weren't complaining about the vendors overcharging for the food, kept busy playing card games.

Think about that news report for a second, folks. The traffic ham started on Aug. 13, and the reports are vehicles are moving 1/3 of a mile PER DAY.

Still want to complain when it takes a few extra minutes to navigate the orange barrels on Vine Street?

The staff at News-Herald DotComedy is wondering exactly what that phone call to the office has to sound like for stranded motorists?

"Yeah, Boss. I'm gonna be a little late. ... How late? Well, you might want to take that chicken salad sandwich I left in the refrigerator and throw it away and please don't change the locks on the door or the password on my computer, and I will get a new photo ID once I shave and and figure out what month it is."

Motorists in this town want to turn the highways into "Blade Runner" when they are delated 45 minutes on the way to a Cavaliers game. Imagine how batty they would be if they were stuck for an entire stretch in between paychecks on alternating Tuesdays?

And it's nice to know villagers are hawking their wares on the highway????? Are you serious, folks???? Do we need that? It's not enough that we are living out of the back of a Honda for 14 days, now some psychotic green grocer from the Chinese foothills is gonna charge the masses $20 a pack for Ramen Noodles?

And what is the Chinese government and police doing? Listen, if law enforcement can thin out the crowd leaving Browns Stadium after a U2 concert, there has to be a way to get this Chinese tragedy cleaned up in less than a fiscal calendar year.

So the next time you are trying to merge into the off ramp on I-271 or Lost Nation Road has you frustrated, just be happy you aren't a semi driver in the middle of a 60-mile nightmare with exhaust fumes and drive-by Convenience Store clerks jumping from trunk to trunk with overpriced Saki.

Got a problem with that? Take it up with U2.

- BTilton@News-Herald.com

Sporcle.com.

Who needs drugs when something is so addicting on the Internet?

Hello, our name is the staff at News-Herald DotComedy. And we have a problem. A serious addiction to a Web site. Sporcle.com is like our own Horse With No Name. Only we are usually up until the wee hours of the morning trying to figure out that name.

Sporcle.com is the most addictive trivia site in the vast wasteland of the Internet, bar none. If you haven't been there ... don't do it. It's bad, man. Very bad. Because once you get in, you will never get out. It's like Don Corleone is working the cursor.

There is trivia for all walks of life - geography, sports, music, entertainment, movies, general, etc. And it isn't your typical Question/Answer trivia. There are 15-100 answers and you have a certain amount of time to fill in the blanks. Can you do it?

Look, there are easy ones like the seven continents or 3-letter body parts(not as easy as you think). Then there are ones like complete the lyrics to a Beatles song from Word 1 to the end or every country that starts with the letter C.

In short, bring your shrink and a good bottle of scotch because it is that mindbending and frustrating.

Folks, Sporcle.com has taken over the lives of the staff at DotComedy in many ways. Don't let it happen to you. If you go, if you are intrigued - beware.

You have been warned.

It makes cocaine seem like Gummy Bears.

Got a problem with that? Take it up with Don Corleone.

BTilton@News-Herald.com