Maybe, just maybe, there are too many pro sports.
Now, those of you that know the staff here at News-Herald DotComedy might be picking yourself up off the ground after falling out of your chair having read that statement, but it’s true.
We are huge sports fans, but what is going on now seems to be an over-saturation of the market.
Case in point, the WNBA.
Now before the female section of our readers storm the DotComedy offices, let us explain that this is not a gender issue or a chauvinistic decision to eliminate the WNBA.
This is a sports common sense scenario.
Folks, do you realize that there are six teams in each of two conferences in the WNBA and that FOUR teams from each conference make the playoffs? Which means, two teams that don’t have a .500 record will play for the right to advance to the conference finals!
It doesn’t matter if it is men, women, water buffaloes, Vulcans, droids or Walt Disney characters playing, if eight of 12 teams make the postseason it is time to ring Dr. Kevorkian and have him pull the cord on the sport.
What are we saying here to the other four teams? Thanks for playing, and try not to hurt yourself getting dressed because it is obvious your hand-eye coordination isn’t that great if you couldn’t finish in the top eight?
This playoff system in the WNBA is only missing the mayor coming court-side to shake hands and hand out participation trophies. “Ooh boy, Susie, look what I got? A trip to the WNBA playoffs! Now let’s go to Dairy Queen for a milkshake and a shoe endorsement deal.”
Put it this way, in the West, Tulsa finished 6-28 and was only seven games out of a playoff spot.
Now that is the kind of league the Indians need to find a way to get into!
Folks, it is not just the WNBA. There are too many soccer leagues, too many ESPN channels, too many levels of the World Series of Poker, too many golf tours, etc.
Over-saturation of the pro sports landscape - It’s not healthy.
And you know what happens when the health of things deteriorate?
Paging Dr. Kevorkian. Dr. Jack Kervorkian ….
Got a problem with that? Take it up with the Vulcans.

BTilton@News-Herald.com

There’s nothing humorous about crime.
But every time the police and court briefs are printed in the paper, at least one makes the staff at News-Herald DotComedy stop and shake our collective heads in disbelief if we don’t outright chuckle.
Not because we are insensitive to the victim, but because it is absolutely, positively amazing what some criminals will do and think they can get away with it.
Case in point was a story that ran on A2 of the Aug. 17 N-H. A man used a small flash drive camera attached to his shoe to take a photo up the skirt of a woman at Super Kmart in Mentor.
Anyone remember when the worst thing that could happen when you went to Super K was long lines at the register or some Kenny Rogers lookalike mistaking you for an employee and asking for help in picking out a CD for that evening’s possum roast/hoe-down?
Now, to reiterate, there is nothing funny about a woman being violated by a disturbed individual with way, way too much time on his hands. The point we are making here is simply that if this individual had put half as much time, thought or energy into other areas of his life, he wouldn’t be facing such an embarrassing charge and possible jail time.
The man was charged with voyeurism, but we can think of a few other things he should have been charged with – namely sickness, loneliness and stupidity.
Sir, you can get dirty pictures on several Web sites in the privacy of your own home, without risking criminal activity (usually) and you can do it barefoot. Apparently this is not a plan he saw hatched on The Flintstones by Fred and Barney as it would much more difficult to lodge a mini-camera underneath your rotting big toenail.
What really blows the staff away is that this kind of criminal – not just the sleazy photojournalist in question - has to get up in the morning, get dressed, have Thom McCann and the folks from Polaroid ship a new pair of tennis shoes, convince himself it is a good idea, and then leave the house without once thinking he might get caught.
And by the way, when you get caught with a tiny camera on your shoe that you just hovered in mid-air under the dress of an unsuspecting female, there isn’t much defense there. We are reasonably sure Perry Mason couldn’t come to Lake County and plead not guilty with a defense of “Your honor, he didn’t know the camera was attached to the shoe, he was simply doing exercises on one foot in Super Kmart.”
Jim Morrison and the Doors were right - people are strange. Far be it from the staff to assume everyone out there is normal or without issues. But, isn’t enough to hope that we can go shopping for legal pads or paper plates without worrying about being illicitly photographed by a sad soul with a hybrid Nike on his right hoof?
Here’s a suggestion to anyone thinking of a copycat-style similar crime – don’t.
Stay home and do something constructive instead. Do something that doesn't have anything that would make you think of shoes or technologically advanced cameras.
Watch The Flintstones.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Perry Mason

BTilton@News-Herald.com

Back when the staff started at The News-Herald in March of 2000, if someone told us they were going to “check out The Web,” we would have guessed Lake County had a hot new Spiderman-themed bar or night club.

Mmmm …. that would give the phrase, “slinging drinks” a whole new meaning, wouldn’t it?

Now that we have just recently celebrated 10 years at the paper, checking out The Web isn’t just some blossoming trend, it is a way of life for a lot of people.

Being informed or being entertained on the Internet at rapid rates of speed and with incredible convenience these days isn’t just the wave of the future, it’s got the same force as if the Titanic plunged down in your neighbor’s plastic kiddie pool.

And we say, stop fighting the wave, and let it carry you into the second decade of the 21st century.

Let’s all get wet. Or in this particular case, let’s all get wit.

Folks, the Joker in the latest Batman movie installment, “The Dark Knight,” said it best.

Why so serious?

It seems at the present time everything newsworthy in our little slice of the world either revolves around home foreclosures, health care issues, the economy, unemployment or the Browns quarterback situation.

All very scary and disturbing topics of conversation with the ability to cause nightmares for weeks to be sure.

We are suggesting something different. Something lighter. Something that combines wit and Web and can be a quick, Internet-friendly way to take a break from the gloom and doom of reality if only for just a fleeting moment.

All with the click of a cursor or the touch of an I-Phone.

This is that Titanic reaction, folks, if you haven't understood it through the first several posts.

This is DotComedy! And we are here to stay in a social media bear hug sort of way.

It’s often said laughter is the best medicine. Well, we are trying to open an online funny pharm-acy.

This one being perfectly legal and legit, of course, which can’t always be said of those spam-a-licious deals for cure-alls on the Internet that we have all been inundated with at one time or another.

Every week at www.news-herald.com, we're going to take a look at an area news item outside of the box and away from the hardcore news stories you would normally find in the A section of the print editions of The News-Herald and have some fun with it. A tweak here, a turn of phrase there, a raucous rambling and off-the-wall theory here and there and everywhere.

Folks, all we are asking is for you to continue to give News-Herald Dot Comedy a chance. If you like our Web site - which the numbers indicate that you certainly do - and you like to smile, chuckle, giggle or fall out of your chair in hysterics (perhaps wishful thinking on that one) - then stop by and check out the newest addition the News-Herald’s online lineup. And get involved. Comment and tell us what you like and what you don’t like. Tell us what topics or news items you would like to see taken on.

News-Herald Dot Comedy.

The next big thing in online funny pharm-acies. The wave of the future just got a little bit more witty. And we aren't going anywhere.

We've already been here a while, so keep getting on board.

This isn't your run-of-the-mill sinking comedy ship.

Got a problem with that? Take it up with your friendly neighborhood bartender, Spiderman.

- BTilton@News-Herald.com

Are you hungry? You won't be in about 15 paragraphs or so.

Folks, let's talk about The new Double Down sandwich from KFC.

Now, the staff at N-H DotComedy is well aware this culinary version of Russian Roulette isn't specific or unique to Northeast Ohio, but what better way to get you hooked on News-Herald Dot Comedy than by dangling a juicy, fried, meaty, cheesy, salty, sloppy topic we could all sink our teeth into early in our online infancy?

According to the store locator at the official Web site for Kentucky Fried Chicken - kfc.com - there are 10 KFC restaurants in The News-Herald coverage area.

Middlefield, Chardon, Chester Township, Euclid, Mentor, Mentor-on-the-Lake, Willowick, Willoughby, Painesville and South Euclid are all home to a Colonel Sanders house of hunger-busting goodness. Basically, you can't drive very far without being within clucking distance of heaven for the taste buds and hell on the arteries.

This is the description of this new menu item at KFC:

"The new KFC Double Down sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!"

Ah, but hopefully, there is room for the ambulance to pull up behind you in the drive-thru if you eat one of these succulent heart attacks-in-waiting in a wrapper.

The Double Down comes in two versions – Original Recipe or Grilled. Double Down has 540 calories, 290 calories from fat, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. Now, from a technical, nutritional standpoint, the staff doesn't know what any of that means, but two of us actually gained four pounds and another member's chest hurts a little bit after writing that sentence.

Full disclosure time. The DotComedy staff diet isn't exactly made up of alfalfa sprouts, rice cakes and a low-calorie broccoli frappe for desert.

But, friends, can't we tone it back, just a little? Do we have to tempt the gods of cholesterol every time we run out to grab a bite on our lunch break?

We're not trying to make any enemies with the fine folks at KFC, and truth be told, the staff is sure the Double Down probably tastes tremendous. We just can't imagine that pitch that day at the Colonel's corporate offices. Think about it like this - the sandwich in question must mean that one day, somebody at 1 Extra Crispy Plaza had to be eating a deep-fried chicken filet and thought, "You know what this is missing? Another filet, cheese, sauce and BACON! No time for a bun."

Well that was certainly thoughtful of KFC not to try to wrap this monstrosity in a carb-overload crescent roll or half a loaf of sourdough, lathered up with garlic butter, deep fried in a vat of apple fritters and carnival onion rings and then stuck on a chocolate covered skewer.

Oh no, did we just give KFC a new idea?

All we are saying is the staff worries about the welfare of the people in Lake, Geauga and Eastern Cuyahoga counties. We don't want to see the loyal readers of The News-Herald or news-herald.com start to make sumo wrestlers look like Olympic gymnasts from Tinkerbell's home town.

You can enjoy fast food. The staff is reasonably sure after this mini-rant we are not going to stop going to our favorite quick-fix restaurants in town.

But, be careful. No sandwich is worth it if you need a medical alert badge in order to .... well, in order to order one.

What's so funny, Northeast Ohio?

Clogged arteries and hypertension aren't going to tickle anyone's funny bone. Where will the munchies madness end?

Got a problem with that?

Take it up with Colonel Snader's personal trainer.

OK, so we are a day late.
The staff at DotComedy was supposed to post a new rant on Tuesday, but we are still adjusting to life back in the bustling cozy confines of Lake County after a weekend jaunt to the nation's capital.
Vacation in Washington D.C. was a bit of a whirlwind, sightseeing, partaking in some of the finer pleasures the food and beverage industry has to offer (that is if you consider Miller Light and Doritos fine dining options) and just general relaxation.
Ah, but what Frank and Flo Flight Nazi don't tell you as you are being lectured with military precision regarding your seat and tray tables being in the upright position is once you get off the plane and step back into reality, look out!
Since it has been a while since the staff was on an actual, multiple-day vacation, the return part is something we forgot about.
In D.C., we waited in line to see the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. At home on Sunday, we waited in line at Giant Eagle to check out our Food Perks.
In D.C., we visited Arlington National Cemetary and witnessed the awe-inspiring enormity of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. At home, we visited the ATM only to find out we are REALLY going to need those Food Perks.
In D.C., there were no pressing phone calls or deadlines to meet. At home ... hold on, the darn phone is ringing and we only have 10 minutes left to finish this.
The point is, it is not easy to get back into the swing of things. Especially because for two days, the staff kept looking up into the Mentor skyline expecting to see the Washington Monument or maybe a glimpse of The Capitol or one of thousands of flags flapping gently in the sun only to be greeted with an eyeful of an apartment complex with a giant pair of tie-dye swimming trunks flapping violently against the balcony rail.
Not exactly the same scene that gets the heart pumping and the juices flowing now is it?
So, if this is not one of our better efforts, come back Friday and we'll see if we can shake the D.C. hangover and move on to bigger and better and wittier things.
However, we make no promises.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Frank and Flo.