Yes, folks, just five episodes into News-Herald Dot Comedy and the staff is ready for a breather.

Hey, being this darn witty is hard work.

The staff is heading on vacation and will not be posting updated Dot Comedy pieces on July 27 or July 30. I'm sure you are all heartbroken .... all five of you.

In the meantime, keep up with the news of the weird in Northeast Ohio and around the globe and feel free to send suggestions for topics when we return. And thanks for the support you have all show to this blossoming new labor of love.

Before we go, a few words about vacation.

Can't wait to go!

That's as few words as you will ever see in this space.

Got a problem with that? Take it up with our travel agent.

BTilton@News-Herald.com

Hey, here’s a question for you folks.
When did Little League baseball turn into The Jerry Springer Show?
Parents fighting with coaches, parents suing opposing coaches, some coaches being accused of teaching thug methods and unsportsmanlike conduct at the maternity ward at Hillcrest Hospital to get a jump on other coaches in the league.
And those are just the incidents we know about. No doubt there are hundreds of other Little League meets Braveheart scenes of absolute craziness that go unreported each summer.
When is it going to stop?
This has been a rough year for Little League in The News-Herald coverage area. It seems like there have been just as many stories on the front of the paper or in the courts and police section of the news as there have been scores in the sports section.
Does anybody remember a time when the worst thing that might happen when you headed to a Little League game is the concession stand could run out of lemonade?
Nowadays, it seems as though security measures that would put President Obama’s lookouts on the motorcade route to shame are necessary to safely decide the 10-and under Junior Mega-Champ title.
Let’s pause here for a minute of explanation for those of you whose sense of humor may not be sharpened to this topic. In no way is the staff at News-Herald Dot Comedy trying to imply that a coach being head-butted by an angry parent or a 13-year old breaking his arm in a freak hit-by-pitch accident only to have his dad - who wasn’t at the game – sue for damages … in no way are those laughing matters. Those are very serious issues.
What we are saying is maybe parents and coaches and kids are all taking Little League a tad bit too serious, and THAT’S where a lot of the humor comes out of what is really a frustrating and sad situation.
Pause over, please return to your regularly scheduled laughing and grinning.
Passion is fine. Love of your child is even better. Getting involved as a coach or a supportive spectator is fantastic and more parents should be involved in their kids’ lives.
Performing a pro wrestling move on a coach or another fan at the game is not a good idea. We don’t need the police report or surveillance film from the game to be confident in that. There’s a mantra that should be posted on every Little League backstop in America:
THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE A BETTER SOLUTION THAN HEAD-BUTTING SOMEONE.
In fact, there might be a passage in the Bible resembling that sentiment. Or maybe it’s something Hulk Hogan has crocheted on a turnbuckle in the library in his steel cage mansion in Vince McMahon’s backyard.
As for a parent filing a lawsuit because his son had his arm broke by a pitch that allegedly the pitcher was instructed to throw …. OUCH. The broken bone won’t hurt nearly as much as the ribbing this kid is bound to get for the rest of his playing days.
It’s a horrible situation for everyone involved. It’s bad for dad, the kid, the pitcher who threw the pitch, the accused coach, the spectators that were there, the folks on the Internet posting off-color remarks, and even the people at the newspaper that have to write about such craziness.
It’s very simple folks. Little League is supposed to be fun. It should be fun for the kids playing, for the adults volunteering to coach, and for the parents watching with great pride.
Little League should not be a popular hangout for police and ambulance teams.
Keep the Little League headlines in the sports section. Keep them out of the court dockets.
And for the love of God, someone, anyone, please double check the amount of lemonade at the concessions stand.
We don’t want to start an end-of-the-summer riot, now do we?
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Hulk Hogan.

“It’s too hot out there.”
The next time you hear that five-word phrase ring out this summer, please pass along this well thought-out, succinct, lucid, intelligent, two-word retort on behalf of the staff here at News-Herald Dot Comedy:
SHUT UP.
And we mean that in the rudest possible way.
Folks, nothing is more annoying that listening to Northeast Ohioans whine when the sun is beating down on our little nook of the world and the mercury in the thermometer shoots up. Now, sometimes we admit, the heat can be a tad bit uncomfortable. Obviously, nobody likes it when your car is so hot that the backseat is occupied by an agriculture student from Kent State who is trying to hatch baby chicks. A day in the 90s with no wind can also be close to unbearable if you are someone who makes a living doing heavy labor outdoors or if you are morbidly obese tenor Luciano Pavarotti trudging down the driveway in a velvet jogging suit to pick up a UPS package stuffed with Kentucky Fried Chicken double stackers dipped in caramel and a case of Yoohoo.
Nobody enjoys sweating like a BP executive at a Louisiana tourism rally or Rush Limbaugh at a discount pharmacy, but let’s consider the alternative to the few months of excessive heat in this part of the world, shall we?
We’d love to have one of those fazer guns from “Star Trek.” You know, the ones that had the settings for either stun or kill? We’d like to get one modified with a setting simply called “FEBRUARY” so that next time one of these pampered burn babies gripes about a beautiful 90-degree day, we can simply zap them into a 2-foot snowdrift on Chardon Square around Valentine’s Day.
A good friend of the Dot Comedy staff had a great line when discussing the pros and cons of summer swelter. We would have loved to steal it and pass it off as our own, but credit should be given where due.
“At least you don’t have to shovel humidity.”
BINGO! Put that man on the Cadillac board!
Even with beads of salty sweat pouring down our collective brows like LeBron James sitting in a Cleveland church with his mom, Gloria, on his right, Delonte West on his left, and Cavs owner Dan Gilbert handing out the holy communion, you have to admit it is still better than winter.
Now I know the winter lovers out there are lining up to send their e-mails blasting the staff for this edition of News-Herald Dot Comedy, and that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. For those of you out there who enjoy frostbite, black ice, arctic wind chills, hibernating in the house for five months like a grizzly bear with a toothache, and having to call Santa Claus for a ride to work because every bus and cab in a 100-mile radius is snowed in, more power to you.
If shoveling, snow blowing, plowing, influenza and slipping on ice is a winter wonderland in your mind, have fun with all that. Enjoy your vacation on the tundra, folks. We’ll take the sweaty armpit stains on our shirt over that frosty nightmare every day of the week and twice on Christmas - you know, the day when you are trying to chisel your way out of the front door to catch a glimpse of Comet and Blitzen taking a dump on your roof with nothing more than a blow torch and the Jaws of Life borrowed from the local fire department?
For us here at Dot Comedy, we’d rather go swimming, slather on sun screen, drink lots of water, pump up the air conditioner, utilize ceiling fans and deal with the heat.
“It’s too hot out there.”
Chinese philosopher Confucius says “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”
The staff supposes there is some truth to that. Maybe chapped lips and numb fingers and toes are beautiful in their own special way, and maybe we are wrong in our stance that summer heat ain’t so bad!
We prefer this quote, from a man so wise he makes Confucius look like Homer Simpson on a bottle of Nyquil:
“At least you don’t have to shovel humidity.”
Preach on, brother. Preach on.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Confucius.

Folks, the staff here at News-Herald Dot Comedy really tried hard to come up with a topic today that had nothing to do with LeBron James or his decision (God, that word is hard to type all of a sudden) to leave the Cavs for Miami.
Every TV station, radio station, newspaper, magazine, Web site, church sermon, Bazooka wrapper and fortune cookie for the last week was Lebron-related and we have had enough.
There were “brainstorming sessions” at the bar, sessions with a Ouija board, more soul searching at a different tavern, surfing the Internet, going out door to door into the community, etc. We tried a little bit of everything to find something interesting to discuss that would let us all stay away from the former King of Cleveland and his journey from The Q to South Beach.
In the end, James’ choice to bolt Northeast Ohio, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert’s reaction, Rev. Jesse Jackson’s reaction to Gilbert’s reaction and all things LeBron since the July 1 free agency deadline have been too overwhelming to ignore.
So we won’t.
However, in true Dot Comedy style, we are going to take a different approach to this. There will be no breakdown of the NBA salary cap or LeBron’s legacy in Cleveland or the odds on who will win the title next year or where David Stern gets his hair cut and his ears polished in Manhattan. No, no, no.
Let’s talk about the people in Lake County and Geauga County and Cuyahoga County who felt like James took a spike off his crown and stuck it in their heart. This rant is for the fans … sort of.
We will stick up for most of you, but some of you have some explaining to do.
First of all, everyone stop calling LeBron’s free agency a dog and pony show. That of course would be an insult to all amateur animal skits in local fairs across this great land of ours. Also, stop referring to James’ act as a soap opera or risk a rightfully offended Susan Lucci to break away from the “All My Children” set and slap somebody with a purse.
Hey LBJ, beware a ticked off Lucci with a Gucci.
There is no question James had every right to leave Cleveland. That is what being a free agent means in the NBA, you are FREE to make a decision as to where you want to play. It is not that he CHOSE to leave, it is HOW LeBron left that has fans up in arms. From Wickliffe to Wilmington, from Perry to Port Clinton, Ohio is no longer the James kingdom it once was. Nor will it ever be.
Not when you look at the fallout after the announcement was made on ESPN on July 8.
Children were crying, grown men were drinking excessively, Cavaliers employees were changing vacation plans for 2012, people were blaming the spill in the Gulf on LeBron and his management team, World Wide Wes was petitioning Hollywood for a reality TV series, Gloria James is starting a fragrance line ….
Oh, the humanity!
The one act of anti-LeBron rebellion that the DotComedy staff didn’t understand was the footage of a father who helped his son lift a signed and framed James jersey and toss it into a bonfire.
So, if my math skills are accurate, James’ leaving hit the Cleveland economy by millions of dollars and to “show” LeBron who is boss, a father shows his son how to throw away an extra $1,000 of sports paraphernalia? Anybody ever heard of punching a pillow or drawing a number 23 on the ground with kiddie chalk and then rinsing it off for spite? Save the cash and get creative.
Come on folks, you are better than that.
The way the staff feels is LeBron is a 25-year old basketball stud, not Jesus Christ in $200 Nike Airs. He doesn’t deserve tears or ulcers or panic attacks because he is moving his circus down to Florida. There is still a team here in Cleveland, albeit one that will not see 60 wins anytime soon.
Does it hurt that he left? Absolutely? Will the Cavs be as good next year? Absolutely not. Should Jesse Jackson have access to a fax machine or an email address or vocal chords? Of course not.
But this is America and we all have choices to make. James decided to leave, Gilbert decided to tear him apart in an open letter, Stern decided to fine Gilbert $100K, Jackson decided he hadn’t been in the news in 11 hours so he spouted off, and Cavs nation has decided this is another dark chapter in the sorrow-laden Cleveland sports almanac.
We will survive folks.
Northeast Ohioans are tough. This isn’t another 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina or re-signing Ricky Davis to another Cavs contract - you know, some real disaster.
Fans never cease to amaze me, however, with their passion and their antics.
Be upset, be hurt, be angry, be disappointed. But don’t be “that guy” who beats up another human being or burns down an expensive piece of memorabilia in protest. Especially when you own the memorabilia in question.
So here’s to dog and pony shows and soap operas everywhere having more integrity and believability and loyalty and entertainment value than LeBron James and his half-cooked decision.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with Susan Lucci.

If there is anyone from the Ohio Department of Transportation reading this debut entry, the staff here at News-Herald Dot Comedy has a request.
We would like to see a few more road projects started this summer in Lake County because the other day we were able to slalom our way through the Orange Barrel Alps from home base in Mentor to the staff offices in Willoughby – all 7 miles of it – in a remarkable time of just a shade under a month.
Being as we didn’t know what to do with all of our extra time once we got to our destination, the staff figured the only logical thing for you at ODOT to do would be to close Mentor Avenue in both directions, place a nuclear bomb under Lakeshore Boulevard to take care of that main artery and then book a year-round circus to perform on Interstate 90 so travel grinds to a complete stop unless you know how to ride an elephant or can borrow George Jetson’s flying saucer to simply go over it all.
Folks, we know how old and tired it is to complain about road construction, but this isn’t just a couple of pavement facelifts here and there. This is a full-blown, rat-in-the-maze nightmare for drivers in this area.
Getting from Point A to Point B in the same county or even the same city should not require Mapquest, a team of NASA engineers and Vasco Da Gama as your co-pilot. It used to be as simple as get in the car, drive to any number of freeway entrances, get on, go where you are going, get off, conduct business and then repeat in reverse.
Um, not so much anymore.
For example, you can get on the freeway to head west at Route 306 (finally) and two exits later get off Route 2 in Eastlake at Vine Street (finally), but you can’t get back on to go back east at the Vine Street exit by Hardee’s. So, to travel what should be a few miles and a few minutes, your options are to backtrack to Route 91 and read “War and Peace” while waiting to get through the funnel of traffic by Classic Park (on NON-GAME DAYS) to get to another open freeway ramp to head back east. OR you can drive down Vine Street/Mentor Avenue to Route 306 and make a left and pray that heading north doesn’t occur at 5 p.m. when you have a better chance of seeing God washing dishes at Friday’s than you do of getting a quick, clean trip without major delays.
Look, the staff is well aware these are necessary projects to eventually make the roads safer and travel more comfortable for us all, and in no way, shape or form do we have a problem with any of the fine workers in the orange vests or driving the trucks or flagging down traffic for doing their jobs.
However, do we need so many reconstructions at one time? Do we have to make the simple act of getting to and from work in some parts of Lake County more difficult than the physical act of building the actual roads?
The summer of 2010 will probably best remembered in Northeast Ohio as the Summer of LeBron because of the whirlwind circus associated with Cavs star LeBron James and his decision whether to leave Cleveland or stay with the wine and gold.
The staff will forever have these sweltering summer months tattooed in our memories as the Summer of Pac-Man.
Just like the lovable yellow video game character, it seems like every simple turn on our area highways has an obstruction in the way. The orange barrels are the ghosts that Pac-Man would run like heck from while also trying to stay away from bumping into the walls or getting completely pinned in by a “DETOUR” or “ROAD CLOSED” sign.
And to elementary teachers who ask their class for an essay titled, “How I spent my summer vacation,” we expect more than a few that include the following passage.
“When we left the house to get on the freeway and head off for vacation in Florida, I had just finished fourth grade and was very excited to be going to see the ocean for the first time. By the time we got to the freeway, it was winter break of my seventh-grade year, and after listening to my dad gripe for an extended period of time, I was then able to curse at a collegiate level.”
ODOT preaches patience. Of course, that statement was released from their office and not from the backseat of a Yugo with no air conditioning trying to figure out how to circumnavigate the battlefield of one of the counties many UC roads – under construction – before reaching the social security age minimum.
Seriously, it’s not like ODOT is trying to make life miserable for drivers … right? So, let’s help the folks there make this time a little more bearable.
Without sounding repetitive, at least if it was a circus that was in town that reduced these roads to one-lane highways of hell, there’d be something to watch while waiting and praying for a flying saucer with an open seat to pass by.
Got a problem with that? Take it up with George Jetson.